


The First Time

by SunshineNici



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Love, Patronus, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:43:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5946060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineNici/pseuds/SunshineNici
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short scene depicting the moment Severus Snape casts his Patronus for the very first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Time

'Severus, concentrate!'  
'Albus, I can't. I can't do it.'  
'You can.' Professor Dumbledore's tone softened. 'You can, and you must.'  
'But he's gone, Professor. They've both gone.' Severus Snape's wand arm dropped to his side as his head fell forward. It was useless. There wasn't a single happy thought that still held a place in his mind. All he felt was a gaping hole where Lily used to be. He was glad for his body's instinctual reflex to continue breathing or else he might slowly suffocate without even noticing. He was beyond feeling, so far from feeling physical pain that he no longer knew fear. She had been everything to him and now that she was gone, he was nothing.  
'Severus,' Albus Dumbledore's voice kept dragging him from the dark void he so desperately wanted to disappear into. He was starting to resent his former headmaster, hate him even.  
'Severus, you need to be able to cast a Patronus.'  
'Why?'  
'For many reasons, none of which are clear to you now. But I cannot let you leave this office until you show me you can do it. We will stay here all night if that's how long it takes. Now Severus, focus, you must find a happy thought.'  
Severus raised his weary arm. He no longer understood the concept of time as he couldn't understand how the seconds kept ticking by when his world had ended. Surely the earth had stopped spinning. What point was there in people continuing on with their useless lives. He was sure he'd been in the headmaster's office for hours, trying over and over to cast a Patronus he would never need, or use again.  
'Expecto Patronum,' he said lazily.   
No happy thought came to mind, and as had happened every time before this one, the room remained still, empty, deserted.  
Severus collapsed onto the floor, his long legs tangled under his dirty black robes. He threw his wand down and covered his face with his sweaty palms. He didn't cry. He couldn't cry. The weight of his grief was too heavy for crying or screaming. He felt as though the punishment for loving her so much and letting her die was to have no way of releasing his pain. It would live within him forever until it finally consumed him, just like a Dementor's kiss from the inside.  
Or maybe he would be forced to live forever, an empty shell with nothing inside but silent screaming agony. 'Severus,' Dumbledore had taken hold of his elbow and was pulling him to his feet. 'It will help, Severus. It will help with the pain.'  
He didn't understand what the old man was saying. Nothing could ease his pain, he was sure of it.  
Back on his feet Severus Snape accepted the wand that Dumbledore handed him. He had a surge of anger as he looked at him, perfectly well and alive before him. Lily had died fighting The Dark Lord and yet here was Albus Dumbledore, the only person Voldemort had ever feared, unscathed.  
He raised his wand; anger, hatred, pure unadulterated loathing coursed through his veins as the incantation came to his lips. Before the words entered the air the feelings changed. His eyes were clouded by images of her, images he knew he didn't consciously conjure. Her red hair blowing in the wind, her smile as she laughed at his jokes, the feel of her lips as she kissed his cheek. He knew she didn't love him, but they were friends. She may not have loved him, but she knew him, and that was more important.   
The feelings were happy, he hadn't meant to feel anything but sorry, but happiness came, unbidden.  
'Expecto Patronum.'  
Before his weary eyes, a wisp of silver vapor erupted from his wand. His heart sank, he had still failed. But the wisp grew, it continued to pour from his wand tip and pool in the air in front of him. He watched in amazement, his grief forgotten, as the silver mist took shape into an animal. At first he couldn't make it out, but as the connection between the Patronus and his wand ended he saw it. A sleek, beautiful doe stood before him. He watched it turn its head to look at him before stretching it's lean legs and prancing gracefully through the closed window. He heard Dumbledore's sharp intake of breath behind him.   
Severus was confused. He had always thought that a Patronus was a continuation of ones self. But he was not sleek, graceful or tender. He was the opposite. He turned to face Dumbledore, the pain in his chest was creeping back in again and he wasn't sure his legs would hold him upright much longer.  
'I don't understand, Albus.'  
'No, of course you don't.'  
Severus felt his knees buckle but he forced himself to keep standing, at least for a few more seconds. The old man had a look of wisdom on his face, a look of comprehension.  
'Have you ever seen Lily Potter cast a Patronus?'  
'No.'  
'Then you would not know that she casts a doe. You cast the same Patronus, Severus.' 'I... I... Why?'  
The world seemed to be becoming very dark, very quickly. He closed his eyes as the floor of the office came to meet his body abruptly. Dumbledore's voice seemed very far away but his words were clear.   
'Your love for her, Severus. Your love.'


End file.
